Your marriage might be months, weeks or days away from ending and you probably are wondering if it’s really going to end. If you are like some couples you or your spouse are probably holding on by a thread waiting for either the right time financially or perhaps for the kids to get older before you officially end your marriage. Unfortunately you have been disconnected emotionally for some time. Perhaps you wonder if there is still hope for your marriage.
The good news is that you are not divorced yet. The bad news is that you might have grown to detest, resent and barely tolerate each other. The better news is that feelings and emotions can be changed and you can restore your marriage if that’s what you would like to do. I can tell you that although divorce might look like a viable option and many couples take that path, it’s not the best option, unless there is abuse in the marriage.
Many spouses long for the days when they could fight and make up the next day by apologizing, buying a make up gift and perhaps sealing the apology with a romantic evening. For too many couples, joy is experienced when silence rules the day and avoiding each other at all costs is the goal of the day. You know, working late or leaving super early just to miss seeing their spouse. Perhaps some spouses pretend to fall asleep early to skip conversations or arguments.
I can understand why you might feel hopeless, lonely and frustrated if you are hanging on by a thread in your marriage. It is not the marriage that you signed up for nor is it the marriage that you should stay in. However, I recommend that you fix your marriage and not quit your marriage.
I think a good place to start is figuring out what is causing or has caused you the biggest pain in your relationship and then figure out how to chip away at it until it’s removed our tolerable.
For example, let’s say that your spouse has ignored you or disrespected you for quite some time now and that has lead to many of the problems that you now have. One of the things that I suggest you do is start immediately removing the barriers that are preventing you from addressing this issue.
I know this might be too simple for some to understand but relationships really are simple. We make them out to be super complicated and we seek medication to help deal with the stress and therapy to tell us what we want to hear.
Let’s say that you and your spouse have gotten used to insulting, or saying hurtful or disrespectful things to each other. What this does is prevent any forgiveness or healing to come into your relationship. It’s like have an open wound and continuing to pick at it, which prevents it from ever healing.
Slowly but surely stop participating in such behavior. If you change how you communicate your spouse will have no choice to respond in like manner. It won’t happen overnight but within about a week of you being respectful and encouraging your spouse will feel strange and most likely start following your lead.
Why don’t you make a list of those things that are blocking your healing? Figure out what’s really standing in the way of you saying these words to your spouse, “I’m sorry for the way I have treated you over the last year, and I hope that you can forgive me”.
Can you see your self making this statement? If you can then it’s quite possible that there is hope for your marriage. What you will be doing is taking responsibility for the attitudes, words, actions that you have taken over the course of your marriage that has helped to build up the barriers.
Now, back to the things that are blocking your healing! You need to learn how to communicate better and restore the basic foundations of trust and respect in your marriage. It isn’t that the two of you have forgotten how to respect or trust people. You do it every single day when you interact with co-workers, friends or family. You just have grown to treat each other as enemies instead of friends. What you need is a truce and a treaty.
A truce to vow to stop hurting each other and a treaty to set the ground for your marriage restoration! There is hope for your marriage. Please don’t give up yet.