I can’t understand for the life of me why couples let money divide and destroy their marriage. For most couples, before the marriage the relationship was a give and give relationship. I give you my time, love and money and you do the same. The attitude was mostly “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine”.
Then after a period of time, for some a shorter period than others, something starts to change with the attitude regarding time, money and love. What once was a simple relationship built on trust, love and a desire to please each other transforms into a “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” mentality.
The sad part is that it doesn’t have to be that way, especially when it comes to money. The problem is that oftentimes couples fight over financial matters but in reality there is an underlying problem that needs to be addressed.
Let’s take for example, the couple who is madly in love but can barely afford to take care of themselves financially after getting married. What I find is that if both individuals come from humble beginnings and have similar aspirations and dreams, money isn’t a big issue in their marriage. On the other hand, if one of the dynamics is out of place, i.e., one of the individuals grew up having the finer things of life and wants to continue that lifestyle, money can slowly become a big issue in their marriage.
One of the reasons why money can divide a couple is lack of communication and clarity of ideas, thoughts and dreams prior to getting married. For most individuals, the plan is to get the mate of my dreams and ask questions later. We often times avoid asking some of the key questions during that courting, dating and engagement period. Then after we get married, we expect everything to fall into place. When it doesn’t, the relationship starts to deteriorate and you end up with a mess.
Making Sure Money Doesn’t Ruin Your Marriage
I dare to say that money is not a problem in your marriage. Now, it might be affecting your attitude toward your spouse and vice versus but the problem is not the money.
If you want to test my theory then pretend with me that you and your spouse have access to unlimited cash. You could buy what you wanted to buy and so could your spouse. I guarantee you that unless the two of you communicate clearly and effectively, you will still have the same problems. Sure, the unlimited funds will mask some of the problems but it would just make it easier for you to quit on the marriage and walk away.
I’m convinced that money doesn’t create or resolve, underlying marital issues.
What is needed to make sure that money, whether too little or too much doesn’t cause a problem in your marriage, is by examining hearts, motives and attitudes.
The next important key is effectively communicating about money issues. You do this by explaining rather than complaining. Here’s what I mean;
Instead of saying “I don’t think we need to buy that right now” it might be beneficial to say to your spouse, “I don’t think we need to buy that right now, because I’m concerned about potential job layoffs at our company”.
I hope you see the difference. There are many times when what we mean in our hearts doesn’t come out clearly in our words.
If you and spouse communicate by offering opinions not backed with explanations, very often it is perceived as being difficult, disrespectful and insensitive when it fact it’s really just the opposite.
The main reason why money should never be able to destroy your marriage is because if it does, you or your spouse are placing money ahead of each other. Money should never be more important than the person you love.
Please adjust your attitudes, communicate more clearly and treat each other with respect and more important than money. You can make more money or change your attitudes and perspectives about money. Fix your relationship and money will not be able to come between the two of you.