There is very little marital pain and disappointment that is born out of infidelity. There are many marital problems that leave spouses wounded and angry and frustrated but cheating is on an island by itself. If you are dealing with a cheating spouse situation or perhaps you were the one who cheated, I hope you find this helpful.
The first step I believe in recovering from an affair is dealing with it honestly but timely.
You see, cheating involves breaking vows, lying and destroying any symbol of trust and respect.
There is a tendency by some individuals to continue to lie or cover-up wrong doing in hopes of making the rebuilding process less painful. If you aren’t careful, one or both individuals might find themselves lying.
You have on the one hand the cheating person who might find the need to leave out aspects of the affair or shade the answers to make it seem less meaningful than it was. For example, you might hear statements like, “It was only physical and not emotional” or “It was only once” when in fact it was on numerous occasions.
Then you have the wounded individual who is hurting, angry, confused and unsure of what to do. This sometimes leads to denial or lying about feelings and intentions. In attempts to be seen as strong, statements like, “I no longer love you” or “I want you to leave forever and go live with your lover” are emotional expressions and may or may not be the truth.
What I have found is that if you want to truly begin the healing and recovery process after an affair, honesty and timeliness is required.
The reason why I say timeliness is required is because when you deal with certain aspects of the affair is important. You see, not everyone can handle the intimate details of an affair all in one setting. Some can but I would guess that most can’t.
Looking at timeliness from another perspective, you also don’t want to be disclosing something down the road of the recovery that should have been disclosed weeks or months prior. For example, admitting that it was your 3rd affair after you have given the impression that this was your first will severely set-back any rebuilding that was underway.
Please remember, what is at the heart of infidelity is broken trust. Lying will do nothing but add to the pain and keep you from healing and deliverance from the awful pain caused by infidelity.
No one knows what it’s like to have others know about your broken relationship unless they have been there. I know it feels as though everyone knows about your problem and are making judgments about why it happened.
The only thing that will help you handle the embarrassment you feel about the affair is to not worry about the things you have no control over. You can’t control what others are thinking and you shouldn’t try to.
The other thing you can do to help with the embarrassment that you feel is to focus inward and not outward. Spend your time and energy healing yourself, your marriage or relationship and your children, if you have any.
You have enough hard work ahead of you trying to repair your fractured relationship as a result of infidelity. Don’t spin your wheels worrying about what others are thinking or saying. If they love you they will be supportive of whatever decisions you decide to make.
Finally, please know that although you have little hope for the prospects of saving your relationship, you can actually do it. Please don’t give up too soon and throw away what could be saved.
I’ll be praying for you!