Dealing With Husbands Betrayal

Dear Dave: Dealing with my husbands betrayal is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I can’t eat or sleep or even concentrate at work. I have done everything that I know to do to try and move forward but I just can’t. I take two steps forward and two steps back. Sometimes I don’t know if I love him or hate him for betraying our sacred vows. My husband sometimes makes me feel like I pushed him into having an affair by my actions and I sometimes wonder if I played a role in my husband’s betrayal. What do you think I should do?


Hurting From Husband’s Betrayal, Concord NC

Dear Hurting From Husband’s Betrayal: There are many who believe that you can never really forgive a spouse who cheats on you or if you do it will be short lived. There are others who believe it’s best to end the marriage once infidelity is discovered. The good news is that it doesn’t matter what others think. What matters is that you take all of the steps important to you to heal your broken heart and marriage.

The following tips should help with dealing with husbands betrayal.

  1. Take it one day at a time until you can look ahead. Don’t try to resolve your broken marriage all at once. It most likely took years to build the good marriage you once had. It only took one incident to tear it apart. Don’t think that you have to get it all back at once. Take the necessary time to restore your marriage. If you try to rush to get back your dream marriage you may be disappointed, frustrated and give up.
  2. Don’t compare your situation to others. You may find yourself trying to compare your husband’s betrayal and your marital situation to someone else you know or a marriage you have read about on the internet. Keep in mind that every couple dealing with infidelity has a unique situation. Sure the actions are very similar and even the reasons for cheating might be comparable. However, because you two are unique individuals, your incident of betrayal is unique. It’s ok to understand other couples journey towards healing, don’t get caught up expecting your path to be exactly the same as others.
  3. Move forward and not backwards. It’s important to make positive choices when it comes to trying to heal your broken heart. You need to determine what’s helpful and what’s hurtful to you marriage at this point. For example, if you have the desire to try and work things out with your husband does it make sense to put him out of the house or just out of the bedroom for now? Putting him in another room gives you a sense of separation to let you sort things out. Putting him out of the house may just push him back into his lover’s arms.
  4. Be open about the future. It’s important that you be open about the possibility of trusting again, loving again and being happily married again. If you don’t entertain those thoughts your actions will limit your ability to restore and heal your broken marriage.

I realize that dealing with your husband’s betrayal is extremely painful and not something your life experiences have prepared you for. It’s easy to say or think you know how you will handle infidelity until it really happens to you. I’m sorry you have to deal with your husband’s infidelity. You deserve better.

I’m rooting for you and your husband and hope that your next letter is one that announces your victorious overcoming of your husband’s betrayal.

Posted in Help In Marriage | Leave a comment

Tips For A Successful Marriage

The following tips for a successful marriage will probably help most couples if they really want help. Unfortunately not all spouses want to save their marriage. For one reason or another they would rather see their marriage end than put in the work required to restore it. I don’t know if any or all of the tips listed below will save your marriage. However, I’m convinced that if you do and say the right things, you will have a much better chance of keeping your marriage together.

Tips to help build and keep a successful marriage

  1. Be present for your spouse. It’s so easy to take your spouse for granted after being married for a number of years. I have read that familiarity breeds content. When you are content with your marriage you might stop trying to make it better. It’s easy to start to tune out your spouse and not be present. Sure you might live in the same house but if you are not careful you will be present physically but not mentally or emotionally. Your spouse can find any body to be there physically. Be present so you don’t lose the emotional connection.
  1. Don’t break your marital trust. For most couples who don’t enter their marriage with a lot of premarital issues, trust is automatically in the relationship. For the most part, unless one person is very insecure there is an assumption of trust present. Then the trust is either strengthened or weakened over time. It doesn’t take more than one incident to wipe out years of built trust. Every attempt must be made to keep trust in the relationship if you want to have a successful marriage.
  1. Keep things interesting. It’s important to make time for doing things you enjoy doing together. If you can have fun together you will enjoy being around each other. It’s hard to have a successful marriage if you don’t enjoy each others company. You know you have work to do if your spouse entering a room or calling you is viewed as an annoyance rather than a blessing.
  1. Pay attention to your warning signs. Marriage is like traveling down the road sometimes. When you’re on the road you see signs posted to warn you of potential danger ahead. You also get to see some warning signs in your marriage. For example, if your spouse consistently gravitates to another room whenever you are around, it might be a signal that you are making him or her miserable. Try to figure out where things are going wrong and you will have a good chance of keeping a good marriage.
  1. Be considerate to your soul mate. You may not always understand or agree with your partner’s point of view but try to be considerate of his or her feelings. You can win every argument and feel good about your self but at some point you may drive your spouse away. Consider the fact that having a strong spouse will help you have a successful marriage. Don’t be afraid to admit when you are wrong and acknowledge your spouse when he or she is correct. Your spouse will appreciate your consideration and your marriage will be better for it.

I realize that your marriage may be struggling or possibly on the verge of collapsing. There are so many steps you can take to have a successful marriage. Are you tired of fighting over and over again trying to keep your marriage together? Please know that your marriage can improve. You and your spouse just need to first weather the storm you are in and second do some things differently to chart a new course for your marriage. You chart a new course by learning some new ways of thinking, interacting and put into practice what you know is right. You can’t just read about tips for a successful marriage. You have to act on what you read. Good luck!

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged | Leave a comment

Dealing With The Pain Of Infidelity

The agony and suffering involved with dealing with the pain of infidelity is unbearable to be honest. No one does well with coping with an affair. Sure, I see people often times go about their business as if everything is fine. However, I know the turmoil that is burning on the inside. If you are suffering because of a selfish cheating partner, take heart that this great pain that you are experiencing doesn’t have to define the rest of your life. Pain may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.

Please forgive me for introducing the term “joy” when you are experiencing anything but joy at this time. It’s a biblical verse that I believe in and I want you to know that peace and restoration is possible for you. You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel but trust me many others have traveled down the same road you are on. If you follow the right path, things will get better.

Help With The Pain Of Infidelity

You obviously have some serious decisions to make because of the broken trust in your relationship. What I encourage folks to do is not make any long term impacting decisions until a good amount of time has passed. For example, immediately filing for divorce upon finding out about the cheating is not the best step to take, in my humble opinion. Your anger, resentment and hate for the whole messy situation may be clouding your ability to make rash decisions. I understand the desire to relieve your pain. However, just because you separate it won’t immediately end your pain regarding the infidelity. It’s a short term solution to a long term issue.

I recommend that you take no legal action until you have done the following;

  • Attempted to reconcile your broken relationship
  • Communicated openly and honestly with your cheating partner about the affair and get all of your questions answered
  • Decided what it will take for you to forgive your spouse
  • Forgive your spouse for cheating if all of the things you need to happen do indeed take place
  • Made a commitment to yourself that you won’t take actions to get even with your cheating spouse, as tempting as that may be

I can’t lie to you and tell you that everything will be ok. Infidelity in many cases leads to separation and divorce. However, that’s not every case and it’s not your marriage. You and your cheating spouse have an opportunity to start over. I admit that your marriage will never be the same. It can still be great. You just need to get past the current pain and suffering, and then work on healing and restoring trust.

Recovering from the pain of infidelity is only possible if you want it and allow it to happen. I know it’s possible and I hope you have enough faith to try to work things out. Please move forward with your healing and don’t get stuck too long on reliving the past. Please read more here if you need more guidance on Dealing With Infidelity.

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged | Leave a comment

How To Fix A Marriage

I’m sorry that you are in need of information regarding how to fix a marriage. Unfortunately too many families are struggling with how to fix a broken marriage and keep their family together. My parents were not able to avoid divorce but I hope and pray that you and your spouse can. I hope the following information will help you with some ideas on how to fix your marriage.

I wish that it was as simple as fixing a broken car when it comes to dealing with a failing marriage. With a car you have quite a few options to diagnose and fix the problem. Sometimes you can look at a car or listen to it as it is running and have a pretty good idea what’s wrong with it. If that doesn’t work you can simply plug in one of those devices into the cigarette lighter and interpret a bunch of codes to see where the problem is. If only it was that easy with how to fix a marriage in trouble.

However, what if you could hook spouses up to a fancy machine like a lie detector gadget and have it give you the answers to solve your marriage problems? For example, let’s say you both get wired up and attempt to resolve the following 2 problems.

How To Fix A Marriage – Problems & Solutions

Marriage Problem # 1

You no longer can relate to one another

Marriage Solution # 1

Stop tuning each other out. The most likely reason why you can’t relate anymore is because you stopped listening to each other years ago. Instead of listening your brains are trying to figure out how to steer the conversation the way you want it to go so you can get what you want or have your way. Start to really listen and interact instead of react towards each other. You will be amazed at the improvement listening can make to a relationship.

Marriage Problem # 2

Intimacy has been lost in your relationship

Marriage Solution # 2

Intimacy just like loving each other is a decision. I’m sure you can agree that most people don’t want to go to work everyday but for the most part they do. They may not be thrilled about it but they find the will power to keep getting up and going in. They have a choice and choose to keep going in, because they want to keep their job. The same thing can be said about intimacy. Once you make the decision to improve your intimacy, you just have to do it, what ever “It” is to you.

The first step is to agree that you need to be more intimate. The next step is to decide 3 or 4 things that will make you feel more intimate, as a couple. The final step is to start doing those things and hold each other accountable when they are not being done.

There are so many steps you can take to figure out how to fix a marriage. There are a few more articles I have written, with slightly different tips on how to fix your marriage on this site. Please take your time and read through them. I’m confident that you will find a few steps you can take to make your marriage and life just a little bit better.

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged , | Leave a comment

How To Fix A Broken Relationship After Lying

Learning how to fix a broken relationship after lying or deceptive behavior has occurred is complicated if we want to be honest. Any relationship will struggle to survive if trust has been broken. It doesn’t matter if it’s infidelity, finances, relationships, or a hidden dependency. The good news is that relationships can be restored even if the lying has caused frustration and pain between two people who once had the utmost love and trust for each other.

If you want to get through a broken relationship after lying has occurred, it’s vital that you work together to find out what each person needs to grow closer together and regain the broken trust.

Learning How To Fix A Broken Relationship After Lying

Here are some key points you may need to discuss or agree upon in trying to erase the misleading or deceptive behavior.

  • Recognize that this is an anxious time and because of the lying it is necessary to offer reassurances until trust is restored.
  • Spend more time together, with each other, and with the family. This will help put your priorities and relationship back into balance.
  • Spend time connecting with each other and work on rebuilding your verbal, physical and sexual intimacy with words, actions and questions.
  • Resist the temptation to push for the relationship to heal faster. Recovering from a pattern of lying or deception takes time. If you pretend that the wounded heart has been repaired and it hasn’t your relationship will continue to struggle.
  • If the lying or deceptive behavior can be linked to a group of friends or a person, don’t contact or associate with your lover’s/drug using/drinking/gambling circle of friends or relatives.
  • Make your cell phone, bank statements, credit card statements and email accounts available to each other. Trust is more than words it’s actions.
  • Do not keep private accounts or secrets; share these no matter how much you are concerned about your partner’s response. Trust that you will be treated with respect.

Please keep in mind that it will take both of you to overcome lying or mistrust issues. The lying one must behave in such a way to earn the right to be trusted again. Once the behavior has changed, the one who has been lied to must begin to trust again.

Lying unfortunately is a part of life and relationships. Hopefully with a relationship that is improving instead of deteriorating, you can and should overcome trust issues. If you need additional insight into overcoming broken trust, please see here; Dealing With Broken Trust

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged | Leave a comment

3 Tips To Make Your Valentines Day Special

This Valentines Day could be the turning point of your relationship. If it goes well, your relationship could go to the next level. If it goes poorly, you could be spending the next few months trying to figure out how to keep your relationship from ending.

There is a lot of pressure to make this lover’s day special. If you go to just about any store you’ll see hearts and flowers and lots of chocolate. It’s impossible to not feel the pressure to make it a joyous occasion. So how do you figure out how to make the day a special one? The following tips should get you started in the right direction.

Tip #1 To Make Your Valentines Day Special

Don’t get the same old thing that you got last year. It’s easy to settle on what you feel your partner or spouse likes. Resist the temptation to go with the easiest and safest gift. Your partner or spouse probably likes to be surprised every now and then. Why not get something that your partner would be surprised about? It doesn’t have to be costly, just thoughtful.

If you get stuck and resort to a gift you gave the last year or two, then deliver it in a different way. If it’s going out to dinner, make it a surprise dinner. Perhaps go out on the 13th instead of the 14th. If it’s flowers or a gift, maybe have it delivered. Anything that you can do to show that you have given some thought to it will be a plus.

Tip #2 To Make Your Valentines Day Special

Don’t get your partner something he or she won’t like. For example, if your partner thinks flowers are a waste of time and money, it makes no sense to buy flowers. The same is true about buying anything that you know will not be received well. If your partner gets something that is deemed a waste of money he/she may assume that you really don’t care. If you are getting a gift, don’t get the wrong one.

Tip #3 To Make Your Valentines Day Special

Make sure you don’t get into any big disagreements a few days before Valentines Day. You will not be able to turn on the romance on Valentines Day if you are still fighting the day before or the morning of. I’m not suggesting that you ignore stuff or even pretend that everything is great. I’m suggesting that you put aside the negative thoughts, words or behaviors and celebrate the relationship. You owe it to your partner to make this day special.

I know relationships have their ups and downs. I hope that on this Valentines Day your relationship is having an up moment and is special.

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged | Leave a comment

Forgive Cheating Husband

Are you wondering if you can ever forgive your cheating husband? If you can’t forgive your cheating husband now don’t panic. No one really ever knows how long it will take to forgive infidelity. If you are recovering from a cheating partner don’t think it will be less painful because you aren’t married. Cheating hurts, whether it’s by your husband or your partner.

I want to forgive my husband for cheating but I can’t bring myself to do it. Does that sound like you? It’s hard to forgive and I can relate to that. I know the last thing on your mind is forgiving your husband for cheating and letting him feel like everything is ok. I know you may not feel like forgiving your husband but I strongly recommend that you do. Forgiving your husband will release him and also free you. Let me explain;

Forgiving your husband for cheating will not give him an excuse to keep cheating. If you never forgive your husband he may rationalize that since your marriage is in the dumps it’s ok for him to see others. It’s in your best interest to find a way to forgive him so he can’t say you pushed him into the arms of his lover. Yes, he made the mistake of cheating but in his selfish mind he will blame you for his actions.

Forgiving your husband will also give you peace and closure regarding the affair. You may never get back together with your husband but by forgiving him you are declaring your freedom. You can release the bitterness, anger and frustration you have been carrying around since finding out about the affair.

Now, keep in mind that forgiving your cheating husband does not mean that everything is ok now. There is a long road ahead and I’d like to say that it’s a bumpy road. However, if you are willing to work on your marriage, you can recover from your husband’s cheating.

I truly hope that you find a way to at least be patient and resilient enough to give yourself time and an opportunity to restore your relationship. Although dealing with infidelity is very difficult there is no reason to believe you can’t forgive and love again.

Finally, please take the necessary steps to heal your broken heart and learn how to forgive. If you can, your life will be better, whether you decide to stay married or leave. Again, for help in getting through this difficult experience, read more here; Infidelity In Marriage

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged | Leave a comment

9 Tips For Improving Your Marriage Starting Today

Are you missing something in your marriage like friendship, intimacy or trust? For some couples it’s no longer a question of if they will get divorced but when. For other couples the marriage is neither good nor bad but rather indifferent. For the last group of individuals the marriage is over. Where does your marriage fall and could you use 9 tips for improving your marriage?

Listed below are the 9 tips you should consider to try to help your marriage improve:

1) Stop criticizing things your spouse says and does
2) Respect your spouse in public and in private
3) Don’t expect your spouse to fill your every need
4) Keep the past in the past and try to live today and for the future
5) Seek forgiveness from your spouse for things you have done wrong
6) Forgive your spouse for his or her wrong doings
7) Do something good (words or deeds) for your spouse at least once per day
8) Be attentive when interacting with your spouse (turn away from the phones, computers, tablets and other gadgets) and show a genuine interest toward your spouse
9) Listen

You may have noticed that not one of the tips noted have anything to do with your spouse making any changes. I offered no suggestions on how to get your spouse to do things your way. There are no insights on how to make your spouse stop doing things that annoy you. I rarely offer such advice because it’s generally a waste of time. Your spouse will change once you change the atmosphere of your marriage.

If you really want to improve your marriage, I believe you need to focus on the things that you can control. You can choose to continue to go to war each day with your spouse or you can change your strategy and offer kindness instead of bitterness. You can choose to be peaceful or angry over every little thing.

Improving your marriage is very possible. You might feel like giving up but please don’t. Your marriage is worth fighting for and you must give it your all. I know it’s hard but hang in there. You are climbing up the rough side of the mountain. It gets easier when you focus on the most important things in your marriage. For more information, please see here; Click Here!

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Marriage Help For Husbands

Finding marriage help for husbands is easy to find but often times difficult to get the husband to entertain the thought of getting help. If we are being honest I think most folks will agree that men just don’t do well with accepting help. You can’t make suggestions to a husband about how to get from point A to point B when you are traveling. You definitely can’t make any comments about your husband needing advice on how to be a better husband. Well, you can but unless your husband has been transformed, he won’t digest it very well.

So what kind of help is available for husbands?

For starters, I think a lot of men learn by observing others. If you are “The Husband” reading this article then I applaud you for taking steps to improve yourself and your marriage. I recommend finding some movies where couples act out real life issues in the movie so you can see how obstacles can be overcome in a marriage. I know it’s only a movie but I assure you that it’s based on some ones real life experience. A movie that comes to mind is Fireproof. Check it out and view the movie as a couple or if your wife won’t view it with you, check it out on your own.

There are also some men who learn from reading. I have nothing against reading books but I prefer listening to the book or download some podcasts about relationships. There are 1,000s of audio books/podcasts available for minimal costs on the internet. Seek and you shall find.

Another great way to improve your relationship with your wife is to be observant of your wife. Your wife is the best teacher you will ever have when it comes to improving your marriage. Pay close attention to her words, facial expressions and body movements. You will quickly learn what she wants and needs and equally important what she doesn’t like.

For marriage help for husbands to be successful, it must be received and applied as necessary. If pride and ego get in the way, help of any kind offered to husbands will be rejected. If you want to help your marriage succeed, help yourself to knowledge and insights that will help you grow.

Posted in Help In Marriage | Tagged | Leave a comment

Married To A Stranger?

Remember when there was no caller ID and the phone would ring? Your heart would beat faster and faster as you anticipated getting that call from the love of your life. This was before cell phones were a necessity and home phones had caller ID. Now when you see the text message or phone number pop-up your stomach gets gassy instead of butterflies. Who is this person you are sharing the rest of your life with?

Do you ever feel like you are married to a stranger? You no longer like the same shows, you don’t want to hang out together and intimacy is rare and awkward?

If you feel this way your spouse probably feels the same way. You are now at a crossroad in your marriage. Which direction will you go?

Will you stay on the same path and continue to grow apart? It’s very easy to do so. Many couples stay married for many years after they have emotionally and physically checked out of the marriage. For convenience they stay with their spouse, who is now like a stranger. Unfortunately, this results in a very frustrating marriage.

Will you take steps now to work out your differences and get your marriage back on track? Sometimes all it takes is a refocusing on each other and before you know it your spouse is not that strange anymore. Give it a try and see if making your spouse and your marriage a priority makes things better in your relationship.

Will you give up now and throw in the towel? I hate this option so let’s not spend a lot of time on it.

I think it’s a lot easier to invest the time and effort it takes to correct a marriage that is out of balance then to throw it away and start over. The person you fell in love with and the person your spouse fell in love with is still there. It just takes a little time to chip away the complacency that has built up over the last few years.

Your brain needs to be reminded of how good things can be. You need to get back to the point where you can tolerate each other. Once you can tolerate each other you need to get to the point where you enjoy being together. After you enjoy being together you will get back to the point where you can’t wait to see the next message or get the next phone call.

It’s time to get rid of your stranger and get the love of your life back.

Posted in Help In Marriage | Leave a comment